Latest pandemic threat - tomato flu

In a report on this BBC website the news of the latest serious threat to world health has been broken. Tomato flu has arrived. Here follows a summary of what can be learnt from the major news networks:

There may have been a number of apparent supposed cases where some, we believe, people may have contracted an illness which may have been what people are beginning to call, for lack of a better term, tomato flu or influenza tomatitis to give it its officially-unconfirmed unofficially official Latin-scientific-name name. We believe that the woman, or at least we believe that it was a woman, who may have died in Athens may have died and that if she has died, or indeed if she has not, then it might be due to a possible case of unconfirmed tomato flu. However, it may not be or have been and it is as yet unconfirmed whether it is yet confirmed.

Do you have tomato flu?

If you have any of the symptoms described in this video which describes what may be the symptoms of a disease which could be tomato flu, although this is as yet unconfirmed, then please contact a doctor as you might be about to die. Possibly. If it is tomato flu, whose actual exisistence is as yet unconfirmed, except for those rumours which are alleged to be based on circumstancial evidence, and of course the woman (or indeed it might have been a man if indeed it was anyone) in Athens who may or may not have died of what may or may not have been tomato flu.

Meanwhile, a man died not because of a tomato but because of a banana, upon whose skin he slipped, causing him to laugh, thereby leading to a heart attack and death.

Now, back to our main story: NASA confirms that the tomato flu, if it exists, has spread to space. At least 1/3 of the freeze-dried foods consumed on the international space station contain, it is alleged, the so-called tomatoids which are at the centre of the possible tomato flu epicentre-pandemonium-polemic. The astronauts on board, described by a NASA spokesperson as "greedy bastards" have already consumed half of the rations on the space station. On this basis, NASA has quarantined the space station and told the astronauts "You will stay up there and go to bed without any tea!" In response to this, we are told, the astronauts "mooned" NASA, which we believe is a complex manouvre whereby they aim the craft in the direction of the earth's only natural satellite, or "Moon" in an attempt to avoid crashing into the earth and dying. More on the manouvres to avoid crashing into the moon instead later...